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In my previous blog post, I argued that it was crucial for us to live in the grace of God or else our view of Him becomes warped, and things get spiritually toxic very quickly. I gave you scriptures to fight the mindset that God will only accept you if you are doing good works, being obedient, and putting on a good performance. I tried to replace that mindset with the proper perspective, that God loves you unconditionally, and grace is a gift, not something we work for. I tried to show you that grace is greater than your sin.
But why do we continually struggle with feelings of regret and shame? And what should we do with those feelings? In this blog I will try to answer those two very important and practical questions.
Why Does My Shame and Regret Persist?
When our secret sins get exposed, regret begins to set in (if it hasn’t already) and different people handle it in different ways.[1] Some try to rationalize it by blaming others or engaging in comparisons to diminish it, thinking “at least I didn’t _______.” Some try to escape it by secluding themselves (virtually going into hiding). Others try to distract themselves with things like food, shopping, relationships, entertainment. Just think how often people whip out their phone to fill up even a second of spare time. If those don’t work, some turn to hard-core distractions like drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. to try and numb the pain.
If that’s how we handle our regret, then no wonder it persists. We’re running from our guilt. If we never acknowledge it, then it will persist, surfacing as regret and shame. Kyle Idleman has helpfully distinguished these two feelings saying, “…regret is feeling bad about something you have or haven’t done, while shame is feeling bad about who you are or how you think you’re perceived by God or others…Shame is more connected to your identity, while regret tends to be about something specific you did or did not do.”[2]
I think both regret and shame persist when we refuse to acknowledge our guilt, and the pain that comes with it. It’s tough to swallow our pride and admit when we’re wrong. That’s true of me and I bet of you too. In the next section, I’ll explain what we can do once we decide to acknowledge our guilt and accept the consequences.
A second reason I think regret and shame persist is because often the pastors we listen to “fail to emphasize grace in equal measure when pointing out sin and failure.”[3] Sermons are full of moral exhortations (we shouldn’t do this, and we should do that) and people realize they aren’t meeting that standard. They get the fact that they are guilty. But then they are offered no remedy. Instead they’re left to just wallow in it. Again, that is religion void of grace, and toxic to the soul.
The third reason I think regret and shame persist is because we assign more validity to our guilt than we do to God’s grace. And as Michael Heiser says, “if that’s you then you have a problem with biblical authority.”[4] You need to believe the truth more than your feelings. To which one are you ascribing more worth? The truth is, your feelings aren’t facts. Your opinion of yourself is not superior to God’s opinion of you. If you disagree, then sadly you have a problem with biblical authority. I don’t say that to disparage you, but to encourage you. Proper perspective is crucial!
What Should I Do With My Shame and Regrets?
Scripture actually gives us a clear example of how to deal and not deal with shame and regret in the person of Peter and Judas respectively. Both betrayed the Son of God. Both in time, acknowledged their guilt, and that guilt led to remorse and regret. Peter wept bitterly (Mt 26:75) and Judas was so filled with remorse that he tried to give back the money to undo what he’d done (Mt 27:3). However, here is where their response diverged. Judas allowed his feelings of regret to convince him that they were greater than God’s grace. Unable to bear that weight, he killed himself. Peter on the other hand allowed his regret to lead him to repentance, believing God’s grace was greater. Our job is to let grace meet us in our sorrow and regrets, and then carry us to repentance and restoration.[5] I think this is what 2 Corinthians 7:10 means when it says, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” In our sorrow/remorse, will we believe grace is greater, or that our sin is greater? The former leads to repentance and restoration. The latter leads to death.
That restorative grace that meets us in our sorrow, gives us the gift of a new identity in Christ. I am who God says I am. My feelings do not define me. As my creator and savior, he has that right. This is crucial, because to fight shame we must know our true identity. We must base our identity on the fact of God’s forgiveness rather than the feeling of God’s forgiveness. Feelings aren’t facts.
So Who Am I in Christ?
I have attached a document for you here, with 72 statements (each based on a specific passage of scripture) declaring who you are in Christ. If you want to know how God sees you, then look at that document. It is not an exhaustive list by any means, but it is a good start. As you read it you will find patterns in various texts. One of the most prominent is that you are a child of God, and if a child then an heir. Just meditate on that thought alone.
It is also helpful to learn the meaning behind some of the terms that identify us. Below I have included just some of these details to help you better appreciate the weight of its meaning. In your own search, you can use a bible dictionary or commentaries to help with this.
In Christ you are…
Adopted (Rom 8:15)
In Rome, if you were adopted, all previous debts were cancelled, and you were defined wholly in terms of your relationship to your new father, whose heir you thus became.[6]
Seated with Christ in the Heavenly places (Eph 2:4-7)
To be seated in the heavenly place was to be enthroned over all evil powers. So Christians need not fear evil spirits or anything else, because God alone is their ruler.[7]
A Royal Priest (1 Pet 2:9)
Every believer has direct access to God through Jesus Christ, graphically illustrated when the veil was torn at Jesus’ crucifixion.[8]
An Ambassador (2 Cor 5:17-20)
A representative of one royal court to another, in this case offering a peace treaty.[9]
A Saint (Eph 2:19)
Means “holy one” in Greek. It means to be set apart from the world and united with God.[10]
Redeemed (Col 1:13-14)
To redeem was to pay a price in order to secure the release of something or someone. It connotes the idea of paying what is required in order to liberate from oppression, enslavement, or another type of binding obligation. The sacrificial system was a constant reminder to the Israelites that a price had to be paid in order to have redemption from their sins. Every offering sacrificed depicted the notion of the price of sin and the need for the price to be paid. In the NT two word groups convey the concept [Gk: lutron and agorazein]. They mean “to redeem,” “to liberate,” or “to ransom.” The idea of ransom suggests the heart of Jesus’ mission (Mk 10:45). His death served as the ransom to liberate sinners from their enslaved condition. Believers are liberated from the enslaving curse of the law (Gal 3:13; 4:5). This redemption leads to worship (Rev 5:9). Justification comes through redemption (Rom 3:24). Christ is our redemption, as well as righteousness and sanctification (1 Cor 1:30). His blood purchased our redemption, bringing forgiveness now (Eph 1:7).[11]
Justified (1 Cor 6:11)
God has imputed the righteousness of Christ to me, and declaring me righteous, putting me in a legal sense of right relationship with him, and at peace with him, not because of works, but because of faith.[12]
Sanctified (1 Cor 6:11)
Through the free gift of grace, God is continually transforming my soul (mind, affections, and will) into the image of Christ, enabling me more and more to die to sin and live unto righteousness. In Christ my understanding is enlightened (Rom 12:2) and I have a love for God not a hatred of him (1 Jn 4:19).[13]
There are many, many more aspects of our new identity in Christ. Here I have only scratched the surface. Check out the others I have identified in that document linked above.
Practicing Your New Identity
How can you apply the truth of these scriptures when you are burdened by regret and shame? A good way is through a model of prayer called the “Prayer of Recollection.”[14] While going through an intensely troubling period in life, Lee Strobel had his son Kyle, walk him through this model of prayer to help him take hold again of his true identity in Christ. Here is just a snippet from Lee’s book, The Case for Grace, where he recounts that prayer and its effect on him.
“‘I affirm that I’m not defined by my abilities, my roles, or my accomplishments. At my deepest places, I’m not my behaviors, my feelings, my choices, my personality quirks, my virtues, or my vices. I am not defined by how much I succeed or what other people think of me. At the core of my spirit, I’m not a pastor…I’m not an author… I’m not a speaker… I’m not a teacher or an apologist… I’m not my awards or honors… I’m not my degrees… I’m not my résumé…I’m not a Christian celebrity…I’m not my bank account… I’m not my possessions or my relationships. I’m not a husband or a parent or a son or a neighbor or a friend.’ As I prayed those words, I felt layers of myself peeling away- and I was relieved. I could stop pretending. I could stop trying to hold my world together by myself. I could stop acting like I had all the answers. I could come into God’s presence as I really was. ‘Lord,’ Kyle said, with me continuing to echo his words, ‘I affirm the reality of my soul’s true identity: I am yours, God, created for union with you. In my deepest place, I am a naked spirit clothed in the righteousness of Christ. I am precious in your eyes. I am fully pardoned of my guilt and fully accepted by you. I am your son, beloved by you for eternity and held in your everlasting embrace. That is who I truly am.’ My eyes moistened as this truth crystalized: even if I were to actually lose everything- my house, my finances, my friends, my reputation, my position- it really wouldn’t matter in the end, because I would still have God’s grace. I would still be the Father’s adopted and beloved son. And that would be enough.”[15]
Learn the scriptures about your true Identity in Christ and speak them over yourself every day, so they take root and flourish. Learn this model of prayer so that when shame and regrets surface, seeking to be your constant companion, you can peel back the layers of lies, and experience God’s love and his renewing, strengthening Spirit.
Conclusion
When we sin, we rightly feel guilt and remorse. God’s grace is greater than our sin though. It pursues us, meeting us in our sorrow and leading us to repentance and restoration. Does this mean regrets and shame will never surface and never persist? No, but those feelings must not be taken as proof that God hates us or that he has lost his love for us.[16] We cannot grant more validity to our guilt than to God’s grace. My opinion of myself cannot be superior to God’s opinion of me. I’ve got a problem with biblical authority if I think otherwise. So, when shame and regret try to grab hold of you, let’s put on our true identity in Christ. His grace is greater than your mistakes, and more forgiving than your guilt.[17] He defines who I am, and who you are.
Recommended Reading
Who Am I In Christ? By Neil T. Anderson
Footnotes
[1] Idleman, Kyle. Grace is Greater. (Baker Books). 2017. Pg. 57-58.
[2] Idleman, Kyle. Grace is Greater. Pg. 51-52.
[3] Naked Bible Podcast Episode 213. Transcript pg. 24.
[4] Naked Bible Podcast Episode 213. Transcript pg. 26.
[5] Idleman, Kyle. Grace is Greater. Pg. 57.
[6] Keener, Craig. Bible Background Commentary. (IVP Academic). Pg. 440.
[7] Keener, Craig. Bible Background Commentary. Pg. 545.
[8] Holman Bible Dictionary pg. 1298.
[9] Holman Bible Dictionary pg. 55. Also see ESV Study Bible pg. 2230.
[10] Holman Bible Dictionary pg. 1401-1402.
[11] Holman Bible Dictionary pg. 1339.
[12] Holman Bible Dictionary. Pg. 948-950.
[13] Holman Bible Dictionary pg. 1413.
[14] http://www.redeemerlm.org/uploads/1/2/0/7/12077040/prayer_of_recollection.pdf
[15] Strobel, The Case for Grace. Pg. 168-169.
[16] Naked Bible Podcast Episode 213. Transcript pg. 9.
[17] Idleman, Kyle. Grace is Greater. Pgs. 19, 21.